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Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.