Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Breaking news:
These 3D printers are insane!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?