[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.