Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others