Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.