8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.