Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Mornin
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*