M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Mouse
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village