Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
You Might Also Like
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly