Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Happy Thanksgiving
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.