air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
You Might Also Like
Don’t touch that.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
yea so i messed up lol
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.