“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I hope it’s French Onion!
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
X-tra spooky blend
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.