*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A woman drives into a bar.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.