Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital