I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
How do horror writers compete with current events?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.