All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
You Might Also Like
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Interior design 👌
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.