I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once