My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Schrödinger’s cookie
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
There’s never enough good news
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
R.I.P.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.