Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number