me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
You Might Also Like
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The first matador
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.