When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Word!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sticker placement is key.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked