the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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Me: Same.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?