When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.