Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
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It’s an epidemic…
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Oceanography is all about current events
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
no such thing as a dumb question
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.