Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Not today
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.