I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
next level snooze
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber