I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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They’re called werewolves.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
What about a To-Don’t List?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?