I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
thanks auntie mary
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.