They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Wife鈥檚 asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait鈥re you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don鈥檛 want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that鈥檚 fair.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I鈥檓 9. I鈥檓 going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I鈥檓 just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*seductively corrects your posture*