And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
haha same
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years