I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?