Jogging
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating