If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
still the best tweet of the year by far
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.