If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”