The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity