Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
had to share :’)
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.