One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?