In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed