There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.