Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.