My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts