WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin