In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn