Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today