All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.