If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒