I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.