opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
She: I like Cats
He:
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.