definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Huge, if true.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this