It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples